Baby Brain

Jack seems to enjoy asking me the "fun" questions when it's just the two of us. This past week he let me know that he "Just doesn't understand why you need a boy to have a baby. The mommy carries the baby, so why does there need to be boy?" He grasped the idea that in theory that everyone has a mommy AND a daddy, but he didn't know why. My only response at that time was that it would probably be a better idea for him to ask his mom and dad that question. I didn't want to over step my boundaries as a step mom. It was actually quite funny.

Jack's next question was "why don't you have a baby yet? You're older than my mommy and she has two babies". Oh, how to answer this question. I reminded Jack that his daddy and I were going to have a baby but that little  baby passed away. He asked why we're not having a baby again. I just explained that I'm not quite ready yet, babies are expensive, I have to work and so on and so on. He got the idea, but let me know that he would like a little sister very soon.

Even though I gave Jack all those reasons as to why we don't have a baby, and they are all very legit reasons, baby has been on my brain non-stop.  I can not to control the over whelming feeling and need to be a mother. I know we should wait until we're more financially stable, or have a bigger place and etc. But really, is there ever a time when anyone is completely ready? I'm done with school, I have a job, I have fantastic health benefits, we have a roof over our heads, (a small one, but a roof is a roof), we live in a safe neighborhood. So why wait? I know I'm probably rationalizing this a ridiculous amount, but I can't help it. As whole as my family feels, there's still a piece that is missing. I know that piece is a baby that I can call my own.

At the age of 20 I did become pregnant. I was not ready to be a parent. The babies dad and I had a very unhealthy relationship and just the whole situation would have been bad. At that time, I knew that adoption would be the best option for me. I had my little girl at the age of 21. Not very many people know this about me. Only immediate family and close friends. For sake of privacy of all parties, I will leave names out and refer to my little girl as E. (Emma is what I would have named her if I had chosen to raise her).  We have a VERY open adoption. I didn't go the traditional route through an agency, but rather through a private attorney. I knew E's adoptive parents before I became pregnant so we did not need an agency, just an attorney to make everything legal. E knows she's adopted. She will always know the truth and never have secrets kept from her. We see each other usually a couple times a year and talk on the phone often. She's 7 years old now and starting 2nd grade. I can not believe how time has flown. But since I had to say goodbye to being a mom those 7 years ago, there's been a hole in my heart. There's much, much more to the story that I'm sure I'll share eventually. The adoption and E play a strong role in who I am today. It was an issue I struggled with for a long time, but I'm ok now. Yet some how deep in my heart I knew that when it was my time to be a parent, something would go wrong. And it did. The miscarriage was a huge blow to my emotions. I know it would be a blow to any woman, but having had the loss of a baby once before made it even more emotional.

Things are different now. I know I'm ready to be a mom. I have a gut instinct that if I do get pregnant things will go well this time. I know there's always the chance of miscarriage again. And if god forbid that does happen, I know I can still be emotionally stable and handle it. But I just have this feeling deep down that it is my time. Lets be honest, I do think about babies non stop, but since Jack's convo with me, it has been on my mind even more. I love my family. I love that I am able to keep in contact with E and have a strong relationship with her. But I'm also ready to be a mommy to a baby I can call my own. To be able to raise a child with the man I love and a step son who would be a wonderful older brother.

First Week

I finished my first week at my new job. I'm now working at MSM (Medical Specialty Managers). It's a company that does billing, HR and medical management for other medical offices. I'm working in the customer service dept. So far I really enjoy my new position. Everyone in my dept and other depts are really friendly and really welcoming. Totally opposite of my last job. My manager, Toni, also seems really supportive and like she genuinely cares about her employees. I already feel like I'm using my past experience and education waaaay more than I was before. There is also a lot of room for growth which ultimately what I'm looking for. Hopefully this will change my over all out look on life. I like to think I had a positive out look before, but it was hard going to work everyday for 8 hours at a place I absolutely hated. I think that really took a toll on my mood. Now Matt wont have to listen to me constantly complain about the people I used to work with! The benefits are awesome as well. I think I only have to pay $30 a month for my health insurance. It was completely free before, but the benefits are better here. The co-pays are only $10 a visit compared to $20. For as often as I go to the doctor, this will be a huge help. Prenatal costs along with hospital stay, surgery ( I know I will have a c-section) and other maternity related costs are 100% covered! Also, for some reason god-forbid, I ever need a D&C again, it would be completely covered. No $500 copay which I'm still paying off :o( I just really feel like this is a positive change in my life. Nothing else new. No exciting plans. Just spending time with my little family ;o)

Another Doctors Visit

Yesterday I went to see my GP once again. For the past 7 months or so, I've been to the doctor A LOT! Too much is you ask me. First it was to see my OB for the pregnancy, and then after the miscarriage to make sure everything was ok post D&C. Now I've been following up with my GP for my BP issues. We can't really seem to get it under control. I was very reluctant to start taking any kind of BP medication because it's usually something you have to take for life. But once my numbers were getting out of control, I didn't have much of a choice anymore. I'm now on a regular BP pill along with a water pill. I have to take both pills once daily. It's not too bad to remember. There are very few side effects. She also lectured me again that I should not try to get pregnant while taking the water pill. It can cause birth defects. Once we get my BP under control, we can possibly stop taking the water pill. So we will have to put off having a baby for a little longer than I would like. I know it's for the best, but it's still hard.

 Along with my BP, I've had some other weird issues going on. I'm constantly tired, even have a full nights sleep. I can pretty much take a nap any where, any time of day. It's very hard to deal with. I want to be out there having fun and staying up late, but I find it can often be a real challenge. It's starting to affect the quality of my life. I really try hard to not let it get me down, but it does. I've also been experiencing bad joint pain. Mostly in my hips, sometimes in my low back and knees. I brought all of this up with my GP and she agrees this is not normal and should be something to be looked into. She ran a bunch of basic blood tests and everything came back normal. Since not much has improved, she wants to send me to a rheumatologist. So I'll see how that goes. I just don't want to end up being one of those people who's constantly at the doctors and having to take meds. I just want to be normal and feel good.  I know it also gets to Matt. As supportive as he is, he can get frustrated and sometimes impatient with me. It can cause tension and arguments that are not necessary. Hopefully that will change soon.

On a happier note, Matt and I have already had a great start to the weekend. He took yesterday off work to spend the day with me. We pretty much only went to the doctor, got lunch and went to Target. But it was nice to spend the day together. We stayed up late and watched a movie together. Today we're just going to hang out and then tonight go to Downtown Disney to watch the Disneyland fireworks. We usually have DL passes, but they expired a while back. The weathers been really nice, so it should be a nice evening. Tomorrow we're probably going to go on a little hike with Emmitt in the park where we got married. Nothing too special, but fun and relaxing.  That's all for now :o) Here's a pic of Emmitt and myself last time we went hiking.

~ Karina

Where to start?

So I've decided to write a blog. It's something I  have always said I would never do, but here I am. I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I'm doing it mostly for me. Just to write down what I feel and get my thoughts out of me head.

I'll try to make my intro brief....but I don't know if that's possible.

I'm 28 years old and newly married. I married Matt on November 6th of 2010. We had the ceremony at Santiago Oaks Regional Park and reception at The Orange Mining Company, both in the city of Orange.The wedding was absolutely beautiful and I couldn't have dreamt of a better day. It was amazing to be surrounded by all of our family and friends and to be in the company of people who support us and wish us only the best. I can't wait to renew our vows so we can do it all over again! I am forever thankful to my parents who threw us such an amazing celebration.

Along with my marriage came a wonderful extra added gift. I'm now a proud step-mom to Jack. Matt and I have been together a little over 4 years. Jack is now 6. I have been in Jack's life since he was a little over two years old. I feel very fortunate to have come into Jack's life when I did because he will always remember me being a part of his life. Matt had Jack from a previous relationship with Bridget. You will probably hear me talk about her and her husband often. Bridget is also recently married to Kevin and they have a 10 month old, Conor, together. We are all very lucky that we all get along and are able co-parent Jack together. I know it's rare for blended families to get along so well, but it works out great for us. Things were not always so great between Matt and Bridget, but I'm so happy that they are both mature enough to put the past behind them and are able to raise Jack together. It makes life much easier! Jack is just about start 1st grade. He's had a blast with his family this summer, but can't wait to go back to school to see his friends. He's a very smart, intelligent, witty little boy. I know all parents think that about their children, but I promise, this is true! He's like 6 going on 26. Sometimes I find myself talking to Jack like I would someone my own age! He's very strong willed and has a mind of his own. I really can't imagine my life with out Jack. He's really filled an empty void that I've had in my heart for some time.

As far as what I do.....I'm in a bit of a transition. I graduated with my BS in Health Science from Cal State Fullerton in May 2010. I had gotten a job at a radiology company shortly there after. I absolutely HATED it!!! I was doing front office which is not something I had worked by butt off in college for. I applied for a position at the corporate office that managed the radiology office and was hired there. I start my new position in 4 days. I'll be working in customer service. The position itself is a lateral move, but it's a higher salary and there is muuuuuch more room for growth. I'm nervous but really excited to start this new chapter in my life.

Now the real reason I wanted to start this blog. I have a lot of feelings built up inside that I don't always feel comfortable talking about. I just don't know if people will get sick of hearing me, or maybe I just don't like to accept what I'm feeling. Probably a little bit of both. Not very many people know this, only close family and friends. Matt and I found out we were expecting a baby January of this year. We were not really trying, but not really avoiding pregnancy either. Needless to say, I was shocked, but very excited! It was finally my turn to be a mommy. I went to my first OB appt with Matt and everything was great. We got to see the baby on the ultrasound and see the little heart flickering away. I was put on medication to control my blood pressure because it has been too high. But my OB assured me as long as we monitored it closely, I could go on to have a healthy pregnancy. The biggest pregnancy symptom I experienced was exhaustion. Just pure exhaustion. I would even take 15 min breaks from work to sleep in my car. I was just always tired. I did have some morning sickness (which was actually more at night) and a lot of nausea. But I didn't mind. I was just happy to be pregnant. I woke up the morning of February 10th to some cramping. I called my OB and she said it's probably fine, but come in for an U/S anyway. Matt and I both went to the appt. The U/S tech didn't let us see the screen. She didn't point out any of the anatomy to us. She didn't print out pictures for us to keep. I worked in an office that I did OB U/S. I knew none of that was good. Matt's expression was terribly serious and worried. But I kept telling myself, this is ok. The doctor will see us and tell me to stop being a hypochondriac and send us on our marry way. She came in the room, which felt like an eternity later, and just asked me what I was experiencing. I told her just some cramping. She then told us that they did not find a heartbeat. At that point I was 8 weeks and 4 days along. She said the baby measured 8 weeks. So it was a very recent miscarriage. It was like someone punched me in the chest. I could not believe this was happening. She went over our options and I chose to have a D&C. I could not bare the thought of miscarrying on my own. As horrible as it sounds, I just wanted to baby out of me as soon as possible. I was scheduled for the procedure the next morning. That night was rough. I was very numb. My family and friends who knew, were all incredibly supportive. Matt was very hurt too, but was strong for me. I think back now and know that made us stronger as a couple. The day of the procedure was horrible. Matt and my mom went with me. They were both understandably upset too. The hospital staff was great. They did everything they could to make me comfortable. The physical pain was not bad. The emotional pain was unbearable. I know it's their job, but every medical staff that would treat me had to confirm my name, DOB and the reason I was there. I had to repeat I was there to get rid of the baby inside of me too many times. That was probably one the worst days I've ever had.

It's 6 months later. And I've healed a great deal. I  had a hard time adjusting to my cycles. I didn't have a cycle for nearly 90 something days later. That worried me. But I'm back on track. I can now look at pregnant women and not cry. One of Matt's best friends was pregnant with his wife at the same time. The first time we went to their house after the miscarriage was soooo hard. I couldn't be happier for them. But my grief was still so overwhelming. I  had to excuse myself to the restroom to cry. It was hard to see all the baby stuff and know that I wont have that, at least not right now. But things are better. Brandon and Jamie had their beautiful baby boy, Cooper, on June 5th. Matt is the babies Godfather. I love spending time with them and it only gives me hope that Matt and I will have that someday. I have good days and bad days. Most are good. But I was in a real dark place for a while. I don't feel the depression I did before. I'm really looking forward to when we can try again. I want to be in this new position at work for at least 4 months. My GP wants me to wait a while to get my BP normal before we try again. We also need to better manage our finances. But I can't wait. I will, but it's hard! But that is my journey to why I'm starting this blog. Matt is more than supportive, but I need something more on those bad days. So here I am. And it turns out my short intro was not so short.

* This is Jamie, Baby Cooper and myself *

*Please ignore spelling and grammar errors ;o)

~ Karina