Baby Brain

Jack seems to enjoy asking me the "fun" questions when it's just the two of us. This past week he let me know that he "Just doesn't understand why you need a boy to have a baby. The mommy carries the baby, so why does there need to be boy?" He grasped the idea that in theory that everyone has a mommy AND a daddy, but he didn't know why. My only response at that time was that it would probably be a better idea for him to ask his mom and dad that question. I didn't want to over step my boundaries as a step mom. It was actually quite funny.

Jack's next question was "why don't you have a baby yet? You're older than my mommy and she has two babies". Oh, how to answer this question. I reminded Jack that his daddy and I were going to have a baby but that little  baby passed away. He asked why we're not having a baby again. I just explained that I'm not quite ready yet, babies are expensive, I have to work and so on and so on. He got the idea, but let me know that he would like a little sister very soon.

Even though I gave Jack all those reasons as to why we don't have a baby, and they are all very legit reasons, baby has been on my brain non-stop.  I can not to control the over whelming feeling and need to be a mother. I know we should wait until we're more financially stable, or have a bigger place and etc. But really, is there ever a time when anyone is completely ready? I'm done with school, I have a job, I have fantastic health benefits, we have a roof over our heads, (a small one, but a roof is a roof), we live in a safe neighborhood. So why wait? I know I'm probably rationalizing this a ridiculous amount, but I can't help it. As whole as my family feels, there's still a piece that is missing. I know that piece is a baby that I can call my own.

At the age of 20 I did become pregnant. I was not ready to be a parent. The babies dad and I had a very unhealthy relationship and just the whole situation would have been bad. At that time, I knew that adoption would be the best option for me. I had my little girl at the age of 21. Not very many people know this about me. Only immediate family and close friends. For sake of privacy of all parties, I will leave names out and refer to my little girl as E. (Emma is what I would have named her if I had chosen to raise her).  We have a VERY open adoption. I didn't go the traditional route through an agency, but rather through a private attorney. I knew E's adoptive parents before I became pregnant so we did not need an agency, just an attorney to make everything legal. E knows she's adopted. She will always know the truth and never have secrets kept from her. We see each other usually a couple times a year and talk on the phone often. She's 7 years old now and starting 2nd grade. I can not believe how time has flown. But since I had to say goodbye to being a mom those 7 years ago, there's been a hole in my heart. There's much, much more to the story that I'm sure I'll share eventually. The adoption and E play a strong role in who I am today. It was an issue I struggled with for a long time, but I'm ok now. Yet some how deep in my heart I knew that when it was my time to be a parent, something would go wrong. And it did. The miscarriage was a huge blow to my emotions. I know it would be a blow to any woman, but having had the loss of a baby once before made it even more emotional.

Things are different now. I know I'm ready to be a mom. I have a gut instinct that if I do get pregnant things will go well this time. I know there's always the chance of miscarriage again. And if god forbid that does happen, I know I can still be emotionally stable and handle it. But I just have this feeling deep down that it is my time. Lets be honest, I do think about babies non stop, but since Jack's convo with me, it has been on my mind even more. I love my family. I love that I am able to keep in contact with E and have a strong relationship with her. But I'm also ready to be a mommy to a baby I can call my own. To be able to raise a child with the man I love and a step son who would be a wonderful older brother.